I keep asking myself: "What is the point?"
I know exactly how I got here, the reasons for why I'm here, and I know myself. I know exactly who I am as a person, how I habitually react to the world, and where I want to be in it.
The problem is, everyone else doesn't know me. There currently is no one in the world who is interested in my own perception of me. I have found that people are only interested in their perception of me. And that is what I've seen is what is always changing me.
I want to go to college for fashion, business, journalism, psychology and communications.
I want to live as a corporate worker for a few years, learn to recognize capitalism at different levels of it's systematic existence, and then I want to elevate to leadership positions that entitle me to money that enables me to do several different things with my spare time.
I want to be a journalist to have the trade of an investigative individual who has the power to present situational ideas, and have the finesse of writing that enables me to command the english language to convey my musings in an officially acceptable way.
I want to be a psychologist because I believe that we humans have built ourselves in these systems, and I want to understand how faulty they really are because societal systems are only merely our mutual perceptions of them. With that I want to change the world view of them, or at least mend them so that the world seems mendable for the majority people who think they cannot change these systems.
I want a communications major because in all of these ideas, I need to be able to make them tangible for everyone else. I need to be able to communicate that I am the master of my antics and possibly yours. I don't want to manipulate you, I just want to exert the power of communicating in the most effective ways possible.
Finally, I want to be educated by fashion. I am an indulgent and can certainly be a selfish young man who has ideas to burn. My creative energy is my own therapeutic way indulging in my own emotions and connecting to the deep emotional part of my mind. But I choose fashion over art because canvas exists in 3 dimensions and relates to a canvas. There are only so many ways to dress a canvas. There are only so many ways compose a picture. And for me, I simply cannot rest at something that does not have greater relevance. I want to shape my creativity around the human body so that my visions can be universally relatable, and even more tangible.
I want to write a book about this in my post middle years. Then I want to raise my children.
But the worst thing about this, is that it will not happen. Because of my own personal changes and because it is simply not realistic to think I can achieve all of these things. Why? Why can't I have the convictions and purpose to bring them to pass?
Because obduracy isn't what made me want to do all of these things in the first place. I have and always have been flexible to the world and sensitive to the people around me. I have been touched by so many things and people that I wouldn't recognize myself without all of the external variables that have surrounded me for the past 17.56 years. And there is a sure guarantee that in the future my aspirations might change because of the job market, or because of the college that I go to, or the financial dynamics of my environment, or the weather.
I couldn't possibly even be realistic in thinking that I could do all of the things I want to. People around me already have their own ideas of where I should be, what I should be doing, and how I should go about it. My ideas of my future and the world could be so stupid right now, and I'd loose the chance to be smart about something if I didn't listen and change my ideas.
But right now, all I want to do is start my senior project. But it seems as though I can't summon the spiritual or financial energy to do so. Even as I wait to hear if I have someone else that is interested in helping me, I wonder whether or not I can get it done myself.
I have aspirations and I feel muffled under the blanket of time and high school. I have not been "loosened from time," as Kurt Vonnegut brilliantly put it. I have so limited a control over most things, that I feel like I am suffering from the potential of not being accepted to the college I can imagine myself at. My image of my future is subject to change, and I don't know if I will be granted my choices.
So, right now, I'm just going to have to be as powerful as I can in my current actions. I have to prepare and be prepared for what I want.
My short term goals include:
- Getting a job.
- Finding a fashion mentor for my senior project.
- Maintaining my motivation for high school.
- Writing letters to the admissions of the colleges I desperately desire to attend.
- Sustaining a self-esteem to help my own outward confidence.
My long term goals include:
- Seeing all of the above happen in the next phase of my life.
Thanks for listening.
Terminus.
Now, back to my history paper.
Did you use one of these?
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4 comments:
Couple pieces of advice for you, based on my own experience:
1. Never say something won't come to pass. Ask yourself if you want it. If the answer is yes, ask yourself what the first step towards it is. If you can identify a step, make that step happen. Then, identify the next step. Repeat for many years.
2. Slow down. You are young. Focus on your here and now, wherever you are. If you are at all fond of Star Wars, look up Yoda's quote to Luke about how he doesn't focus enough on where he is and what he is doing. Don't rush to achieve all of your goals. Hopefully, you have a full lifetime in which to get it all done. Steadiness is more important than speed.
3. If you have haters/naysayers/morons/assholes/twits/whatever in your life, IGNORE THEM. If you can, distance yourself from them. More often than not, their problems stem from something that has nothing at all in the world to do with you and they are transferring or trying to transfer their pain to you. If you can, find a few people who respect you and appreciate you and focus on them. (That is no easy task, so if you have trouble with it, don't worry about it. Remember that you are a valuable person and the haters (it's the most appropriate word /shrug) have their own problems that you DON'T have to take when they try to share.)
4. You sound like you want to be a Renaissance Man. Don't give up on that. It's doable. Difficult, yes, time-consuming, yes, but doable. How are your time-management skills? It is totally realistic to have a long list of things to do and to actually do many or all of them. You just need focus, patience, determination, and a plan that breaks it all down into manageable steps.
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5. High school never ends - Bowling for Soup (but you do get to graduate :) )
6. Other people will always have ideas of what you should be, where you should be going, etc.... Listen to them. Some of those people care about you and want you to be happy. But when you listen, filter those ideas through your own goals and your plans and take the good from them and let the bad or the unhelpful bounce off your skull. Just because someone gives you advice does not mean you have to take it, but if that person is trying to help you and genuinely cares about you, well, they deserve careful consideration. They might be able to offer you some insight, wisdom, or a different perspective. I'm sure you know that, but I'm thinking hearing it from someone else might help.
7. Don't worry so much about what you'll think of the future in the future. Roll with the punches. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. (The world changes. Change with it. Embrace the changes and try to make them fit your plan or fit your plan to them, depending on which way seems more the path you want to take.) Life changes, in ways you can't anticipate sometimes, and sometimes the most unexpected changes are the best.
8. Some of your ideas may be stupid. But some of them are brilliant. Don't worry so much about whether your ideas are stupid. If you have a friend or a couple or someone you can be completely comfortable with, here's a "stupid idea" test: Tell your friend your idea, out loud, with confidence. If you can't express it confidently to someone you trust and are comfortable with (not Timmy, leader of the bully pack), then you might need to rework it. Notice that I didn't say abandon it necessarily. Think about what makes you unable to be confident about it.
9. Congratulations on having goals. And here's an observation: your goals are very broad. They're great goals (and I would say that no matter what they were, because any goal is a great goal to the person who owns it), but if I asked you what you were going to do in the next period of time (year, day, month, minute) to make them happen, what would you say?
10. Never let anyone erode your self-esteem, no matter who they are. You are a human being with a life, and a face, and a body, and words. You have a brain and arms and legs and all that good stuff that comes with being human, in all its infinite combinations and appearances. Just by virtue of that, of your capacity to love and be loved, to write and share your feelings, and to affect your world, you are a valuable and special person. Never let anyone make you believe otherwise. NOT EVER.
Best of luck with the history paper and everything else. :)
J.
I'm not sure how to contact you, Judy. But I just wanted to thank you for your comment. Sorry it took me so long to respond.
Loved your post,
Awesome blog!
Please check out ours, comment, follow, whatever, it's all great!
-Madeline and Sophie
madeline-sophie.blogspot.com
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